Lost

When we lose something, when exactly we lose it?
The feeling of having lost something valuable and the pain that its brings along can not be described easily. So i wont even try to. But rather lets look at the knowledge of the loss.

Exhibit I.

I had received a bag of "white rabbits", some sort of candy. Obviously the content are trivial but the source wasnt. So I had cherished the stuff. After a few days of consuming the contents slowly, I for the fear of exhausting it started abstaining from further consumption.The bag lay in my drawer for some time. One fine day I opened the drawer to find that it was not there. Thats when I realised that the possesion lost. But it wasnt to be. Actually some family member while cleaning the drawer had shifted it to the refrigerator. The bag still had about a dozen of candies. The fear of exhaustion continued and I absolutely refrained from eating any. However probably because the same logic was not known to others in my family the quantity gradually diminished. It came to such a situation that till 2 days back there was only 1 item left. I assumed it that since this was the only one left for quite some time it will remain here. Untill yesterday when I opened the fridge door and didnt find it. That was the second time the feeling of losing it dawned on me. Much to my joy I later  found that someone had thrown it in the wastebin thinking it was rotten. I was relieved but as I didnt want to seem eccentric picking up stuff from the wastebin made a mental note of the fact that it is lying there and would pick it up at an opportune moment. I slept over it. And absolutely forgot about it the next day. When finally I recollected the resolution it was too late and the wastebin was already cleared in the day. Losing something for the third time doesnt make it any easier.  

WANT

Why do people want? (whatever they want)

Whenever I have wanted something ( to or not to) I had been sure of it. Irrespective of later consequences. In hindsight many decisions I took did seem to be not so result bearing but given another chance of time travel I would repeat my mistakes. Why? because I actually wanted that.
continuing with the " See'ing it through eyes without glasses and heart without..."

Exhibit I.
When I was 5-6 years old, I wanted a cricket bat. I dont remember if I made any scenes about it at that time or not and whether I deserved/needed it or not. All I remember today that my grandfather bought one plastic bat and a ball even as there was curfew in the town that day.

Exhibit II.
I am in 6/7 th Std. Not really an innocent boy who doesnt know whats right and whats not. Smart enough to travel in bombay's local buses alone for daily school commuting. Yet strangely I shoplifted a 50p worth WWF postcard. The act was not a result of lack of finances but rather something which I "wanted" to do and see how it feels. Repeated the act 3-4 times untill got caught.

Exhibit III.
I am at Nice, a south of france city. I wanted to take a dip in the mediterranian sea. Even as I got late in sleeping past 1 a.m for sure and had early morning train 6-7 a.m to catch and did not have proper swim wear with me I set an alarm for 4 a..m and got up and went to the beach which was about 10 mins jog away and fulfilled my "want".

These are the easy ones... where one knows what he wants. which thankfully I always had.
The trouble comes when you dont know what you want. Unfortunately thats exactly what I am experiencing now. If I find a solution to it will surely share.           

Love

What is love? 

Defining "this" word would be a futile exercise. So lets skip over to "See" it through eyes without glasses and heart without...

As the case will be for this and later posts... its going to be me I, I me,me I ... all through... take it or leave it.

For me Love started early in life ( or atleast thats what i thought).

Lets look at the pieces.

Exhibit I.

She was fair and smart. Looked confident and spoke elegantly. Ms A was one student who entered our class midway through standard IV. It was the first day itself when she came (I am almost sure of this even after 17 years) that I was swept off my feet by her sheer presence. Not as shy a boy as i later turned out to be, I actually did become a "friend" of hers. Helped by luck (or maybe my favourite class teacher in std V, Ms Moge, saw it in my eyes) I was "awarded" a seat next to hers. That year and half which I spent with her was probably the only time I looked forward to reaching school in the morning. If the dawning of the emotion was sudden then the separation was even swifter. However not the emotion itself. She left school unexpectedly after std V and I myself switched many schools after that. I remember I had a 1 cm X1 cm cutout of her pic which i carried in my valet uptill std VII. Not to betray my true "love", I could not have similar emotions for another female for a long time. School got over. 2 years of college passed.

Exhibit II.

13th August 2003, 15:30 p.m This is the first time I set my eyes on her. Ms M was a fresher and I was 3rd year student. First day of her college what else can you expect the venue of our first meeting be but a ragging session. I was a silent observer throughout (By now mesteriously I had transformed into a very shy and introvert guy, who for the life of his wont speak to girls). That day she sang a elvis (or probably a god-knows-who) song and rejected a poor fachas proposal ( all part of the ragging). For next two years I planned a million ways to befriend her and implemented none. My rationale at the time was "if god wishes it to happen then it would, I shouldnt 'plan' it". After endless following her around for two years I summoned courage to speak on my last day of college. Told her that i had seen her around and asked her if its O.K to get to know her better. Her Reply : " I am not comfortable with these things". Handed her a poem I had written for her and left. Years passed and couple of emails exchanged ( yes orkut and gmail were in business by now) where the same things were re-emphasised. I : Want to know you better. She: Not comfortable with these things.

Exhibit III.

6th December 2008, 06:00 a.m. Strangely and unlike my shy self I approached Ms N, whom I was meeting for the first time and introduced myself while we waited for a common friend along with whom we were supposed to go someplace. I was at ease with this female, totallly unknown of this feeling as by now I have been transformed into a recluse from an introvert. ( As warned earlier, Its going to be from "I/Me" angle). I got talking/teasing/chatting with this creature and it wasnt long before we had become friends. Not just like any friends. Friends who would chat for hours and about everything ( being in different cities economical and most preffered mode being online chat). And as fate would have it we happened to have a "date" within 1 month of meeting ( keep in mind the location factor) I proposed soon after and she neither accepted nor denied it. While our chats promoted on to calls the uncertainity lingered on for some time and there was a stage when she said that "we can look into the possibilities". After about 9 times more meetings within next 5 months I received a message " we tried to make it work but it didnt, it never will, so move on to higher challenges in life"           

       

I wont analyse the exhibits as you know its about "See"ing it through eyes without glasses and heart without...